


"If you make one more stupid pun, I will literally stab you."

by PrinceofBadassery



Series: WinterIron Drabbles [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky is confused, Gen, M/M, puns, so many puns, tony has weird flirting habits, winteriron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 12:54:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10438179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceofBadassery/pseuds/PrinceofBadassery
Summary: A small drabble from a prompt list on tumblr. Basically exactly what the title suggests.(I am actually not good with puns, this was hard. xD)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Drabble list on my tumblr: <https://berserkhamster.tumblr.com/post/158660461442/drabble-list>

"When it comes to making desserts you really take the cake." Tony strolled into the kitchen casually, hands in pockets, his welding goggles still on his head. He had been working in the shop but pangs of hunger had driven him to the common area and to Bucky working a knife with excellent skill. 

"This is a potato." The former assassin said dryly without looking up. 

Of course it was, but Tony hadn't thought of a potato pun in time so he said the next best thing. Nevertheless he smiled and leaned against the counter casually, stealing a piece of carrot from Bucky's cutting board. 

"Don't. These are for the stew." Bucky arranged the cut potato into a neat pile and moved onto the next. 

"You're cooking alone?"

"Steve's out. Getting cumin or something like that." 

Tony watched as Bucky cut the vegetables and occasionally stole a piece. Bucky had put a latex glove over his left hand for sanitary reasons, it looked oddly out of place on the smooth metal and Tony wished he hadn't done that so he could observe the mechanics more closely.

He liked watching Bucky. At first he had thought he just liked to look at the metal arm for obvious reasons, that thing was any engineer's wet dream after all, but his gaze had wandered over all of the Winter Soldier's body over time. It started with that handsome stubble covered jaw and the steel grey eyes that were hidden behind strands of hair most of the time and went down the muscular and well defined body to those hips that peeked out of low-cut sweatpants and thighs as deadly as the Black Widow's. 

But as nice Bucky was to look at it had been his laugh that had Tony in fits. It had happened on a recent mission, Bucky had been accompanying them unofficially for a while, as backup and to provide cover as a sniper. He stayed out of the heavy combat to keep him out of the news if they happened to be filmed, which in this day and age with a cellphone glued to everybody's hand was inevitable. 

They had just taken out the last of the goons and wrapped up the mission when Sam tried to land and stumbled over some debris right into Clint and they both got knocked over and landed in a pile of limbs and mechanical wings right in front of Tony's feet as he lowered himself to the ground. They both looked stunned but not hurt.

"Well, that's hawkward." He had said and then there was that sound over the com. 

Bucky had laughed.

Tony's heart had skipped a beat. He hadn't thought the pun was that good, but it had worked in finally getting a laugh out of the oh so stoic Winter Soldier. Only Steve had managed to do that until that point and Tony had been so proud of himself. 

He had used his new found knowledge and had made up a pun at every possible opportunity, trying to recreate that sound. He had studied Bucky's face closely every time and he always looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh, his stoic expression suddenly tense. He avoided eye contact with Tony as well and Tony knew he had to be close to breaking the man and finally getting to hear another laugh.

"You know, eating oysters can help you define your /mussel/ tone." Tony drawled the word mussel for emphasis, hoping the pun would hit home.

Bucky suddenly stilled mid cut, the knife halfway through a carrot.

"If you make one more stupid pun, I will literally stab you." He said slowly using his very creepy Winter Soldier voice. Tony leaned down and twisted his head, trying to catch a glimpse of Bucky's expression. He was getting close he could feel it. One more pun, just one more.

"Are you going to get a haircut or are you going to /mullet/ over?" 

CRACK! 

Tony jumped. "Holy shit!" 

Bucky had rammed the knife straight into the cutting board. The board had split down the middle and the knife was now embedded in the kitchen counter. Tony staggered backwards, looking at Bucky with wide eyes. The other man slowly unfurled his fingers from the knife, his body heaved with deep shuddering breaths. 

This wasn't what Tony had expected. All the data he had collected about Bucky's love for puns should have led to an outburst of laughter. There had to be a fundamental flaw in his theory, had he been wrong all this time?

"Can't you just insult me instead of playing these mindgames? I know you fucking hate me. You want me to go insane? Is that your plan? Provoke me until I snap? Do you want me to go all assassin on you?"

Bucky said, voice seething, still not looking up, he was holding onto the kitchen counter with both hands and there was that ominous creaking that meant that something was about to break under his metal hand.

"You can assess my ass at any time." Oh god, he hadn't meant to say that one. It had just come out on it's own, it wasn't like he had waiting to use it since he had come up with it two weeks ago. Haha, he wasn't that obsessed with puns.

CRACK! 

Bucky was suddenly holding a piece of the counter in his left hand and slowly crumbled it into dust, he looked up at Tony, breathing heavily, his eyes wild. Tony took a step back, holding up his hands. 

"Okay, that one I didn't meant to say, faulty brain to mouth connection, I get that sometimes. I have to admit though, I am honestly pretty confused here and that doesn't happen very often, being a genius and all, I can assess situations quickly but you got me stunned, Buckeroo, and I am not talking about the blatant display of strength here, that counter was designer, you know. I thought you liked puns."

"What?" 

Tony hoped he had registered a tiny amount of confusion in the obvious rage in Bucky's voice, because then he wouldn't be the only one not knowing what's going on. He might as well spill the beans now because the former Winter Soldier had a look on his face that probably only people about to die saw.

"I thought, because you laughed at the whole 'hawkward' situation with Sam and Clint a while back... I thought you had a thing for puns, that's why I've been trying so hard to get you to laugh. And in my defense you always looked like you were holding back one when I said something." 

"I was trying not to snap at you! And I only laughed at the birdbrains because it looked hilarious. I fucking hate puns, most of the time I don't understand what you are trying to say and it really makes me mad."

"Oh." An alarm siren was going off in Tony's head. He had fucked up big time. What he had thought of as innocent and maybe even ingenious flirting had backfired like a faulty repulsor and now his mind screamed for a tactical retreat. He turned around on his heel and stiffly walked to the door, a nice glass of whiskey sounded nice right about now. There was no way Bucky would talk to him after this fuck up let alone give him another chance. He had annoyed the man for weeks now.

"Why?" Bucky suddenly said behind him.

Tony looked over his shoulder. "Why what?" Bucky didn't look angry anymore, his posture was more relaxed and he wasn't breaking the counter.

"Why did you want to make me laugh?" 

"It's a nice sound. I wanted to hear it again.. and I wanted to see you happy and maybe get to know you. Guess that's not gonna happen now...I'll leave you alone, and more puns. I promise." That was that then, he'd have to tell Jarvis to alert him when Bucky was around, he didn't think he could stand being around the man and knowing there was never going to be anything between them. Tony swallowed a sob and headed to the door. 

"13 out of 10." 

Tony glanced back, frowning confused. Bucky had his head bowed glancing almost shyly up at Tony now.

"Your ass. 13/10 is my assessment." 

"Have you been checking out my ass?" Tony turned around completely, feeling a spark of hope growing.

Bucky shrugged, smiling sheepishly at Tony. "It's a good ass."


End file.
